Disappointment

Mood: Sad

Listening to: Hacken Lee

Today has been a shit day for me.

Absofuckinglutely shit. I’ve not been this bitterly disappointed since… I can’t even recall…

It ranks up there with my heartbroken episodes of the past, the likes of which even I have forgotten.

It’s a really bitter experience which I never even anticipated, which makes it all the more frustrating.

I’ve always been a cautious person, a careful planner and executor of schemes. Efficient, effective, ruthless, calculated… and it backfired on me big time. I should have seen it coming, I shouldn’t have placed high hopes on it… I have only myself to blame.

Damn it!

*****

It all started with a phone call.

A phone call which I took in the car as I was driving home.

I wasn’t even angry then, still polite and courteous as I always strive to be.

After the call ended, I felt a lump in my throat. My heart stopped beating for a long moment. My head was spinning, blank… yet I drove on… I couldn’t even hear the radio playing… a routine journey home suddenly became too long and winding… I just wanted to get home and crouch on the sofa… smoke a cigarette and wish it were all just a bad dream…

*****

Even as I type this posting hours after that phone call, I still feel bitter… very bitter.

I had to make a long distance call to find some form of consolation from a close friend, but it didn’t help one bit.

I’ll find it very difficult to sleep tonight, maybe not at all.

Why does everything have to play out like some cruel twist that fate decides to throw at me?

Tomorrow will be hard to live through…truly…

Note: The disappointment has nothing to do with love. It’s on a professional level… how ironic. I thought I was a professional at this. Apparently not…

Losing, Turbulence & Breaking Free

Mood: At peace

Listening to: Perfume by Yuna Ito

Note: This is a 3-in-1 posting as part of my making amends for the long hiatus on Random Bytes. I’ve been doing some soul-searching lately, hence the lack of updates.

Losing

Everyone wants to win… because no one wants to lose.

But the universal law is written such that no winning streak is ever endless.

You win some, you lose some.

The defining mark of a character is how you deal with both winning and losing.

To win, boundless efforts and sacrifices have to be made. To lose, all these efforts and sacrifices become wasted. Wasted but not worthless.

Because something is gained in return – experience.

Nothing is worth more than the priceless commodity of experience.

I concede defeat. I’ve lost. But I believe I’m a stronger person now. And I won’t make the same mistake again.

Turbulence

Brisbane has been declared a natural disaster zone.

Since Sunday, there had been 3 major thunderstorms resulting in flash floods, landslides and power outages.

Many homes have been destroyed, property and amenities damaged. Lives have been lost too.

Severe downpours, hail stones and strong winds have been on-going and show no signs of abating.

Fortunately my area hasn’t been badly hit, although the journey to and from work had not been without dramas. Avoiding the hail, dodging fallen trees, driving in low visibility… I’m just lucky to be alive!

I’ve always loved the rain but right now, I just want to see sunshine again…

Breaking Free

I’m nearly back to my normal self again.

I’m done with decisions and soul-searching.

I need to get out of my thoughts and live again, except a little patience is required before I can finally heave a sigh of relief.

It’s good to break free from the shackles that bind.

Utter emancipation, how long it’s been that I’ve nearly forgotten the joyous feeling…

Decision

Mood: Content

Listening to: Memory by Sarah Brightman

Decision.

An outcome, a conclusion, the resolution.

How does one go about deciding on something?

The whole decision-making process is quite straightforward, really. It revolves around a simple principle – achieving an objective.

The problem begins when the objective is incoherent.

Unclear objective, or too many objectives to achieve, or worse still; too many unclear objectives.

That’s when one decides to focus on one objective only, or to formulate outcomes to achieve all those objectives.

Then this becomes a paradox. A decision within a decision…

*****

When deciding upon a course of action, one has to be resolute – firm, unyielding and, most importantly, courageous.

Courageous to stand by that decision through thick and thin, whether right or wrong.

Intrepid is a polite way of describing it. Ruthless is another.

Sometimes – and this is always the case – self doubts start to creep in, causing the decision-maker to waver and weaken his/her resolve. Uncertainty and fear of the unknown are constantly the sources of doubt.

Alas, who can predict the future? If only foresight were an attribute we all possess…

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Most imperative is the post-decision phase, the aftermath of all that thought process and what has come to pass.

If a decision turns out to be the right one, then all well and good.

If, heaven forbid, it turns out to be horribly wrong, do not despair; for the moment we lose faith in our own decision-making abilities, we lose our independence and free will along with it.

The defining moments of our lives are not just based upon the right decisions but ALL decisions that we make.

After all, who can predict the future…

The fear of the decision is greater than the fear of the outcome itself.

Splatter

Mood: Relaxed

Listening to: Right As Rain by Adele

Splitter, splatter.

Rain won’t cease.

Everything gets wet.

~

Splitter, splatter.

Raindrops fall heavily.

Puddles forming everywhere.

~

Splitter, splatter.

Rushing for the brollies.

Lest your hair gets wet.

~

Splitter, splatter.

The tapping on my windowsill.

A soothing lullaby as I drift to sleep…

*****

Admiration from a distance.

A simple fascination, yet complex in nature and inexplicably illogical.

An occurrence that may never have an outcome.

Or perhaps…

Such is life in all its grandeur and perversity.

*****

Adele, an English-Welsh singer has released the album, 19 containing music that showcases her self-titled genre, Heartbroken Soul.

Very soulful and jazzy, Adele’s voice is reminiscent of Duffy. Could it be that Welsh singers have this innate ability to tranfuse all emotions into contemporary soul..?

Sleep

Mood: Sleepy

Listening to: Ever by Team Sleep

Been feeling under the weather the past couple of days.

Might be due to the drastic change in weather from blistering hot to chilling coolness over the last week.

First came the heat wave. Then, slowly but surely, the cool change came forth bringing along with is powerful gusts of wind. Finally, the showers came – heavy, unforgiving and relentless rain.

The only good thing that could come out of this was the chance to catch up on all long-lost sleep…or so I thought.

*****

I’m not sure if the effects of medication is the same on people in general, but somehow consuming anti-histemines seems to affect my mind, especially subconsciously.

I tend to experience extremely unusual dreams bordering on the fantastic to the nightmarish.

Dreams of falling through an endless void…running across a never-ending field of twisted trees…drowning in stormy seas…

The dreams appear so vividly real that I tend to wake up in a fit, drenched in perspiration and clawing for breath.

The funny thing is, these visions that I see in my sleep only appear when I take medication. When I don’t, I usually have dreamless but restful sleep.

No one I know displays the same symptoms as myself, at least none of the people I’ve come across thus far in my life.

I sincerely hope it’s not a premonition of things to come…